Causes Of Serial Adultery
What is a Serial Adulterer? Loving and living with a male authority figure who was a serial adulterer. This is the root cause of my sexual.
A close friend who recently endured a particularly nasty affair/divorce by his wife sent this to me. Enjoy: Serial Cheaters - Narcissists A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater.
What is a Serial Adulterer? Loving and living with a male authority figure who was a serial adulterer. This is the root cause of my sexual. The trouble is, argues chartered counselling psychologist, Dr Valerie Lamont, the high-risk factor is exactly the attraction for many serial adulterers. This is the second theory of serial adultery - that the problems lie with the individual concerned, rather than in.
The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions. Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming.
They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an 'emotional high' with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting.
These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc.
Literally - whatever the target 'needs to hear' in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, 'elegantly' deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. All designed to aid in attaining their goal. Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle.
This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the 'need to be accepted by all' mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce. Lately, there have been a number of threads on A2K concerning infidelity in marriage. I think that it is important to point out that a serial cheater is definitely not the same as a person who has an affair or two over a lifetime.
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In the case of serial cheaters, the quality of his/her marriage has nothing to do with the motivation to cheat. It is a personality flaw, that often has little to do with what is happening within the marriage. With serial cheaters, there is a compulsive nature to the cheating, which may or may not be present in other kinds of cheating. Lately, there have been a number of threads on A2K concerning infidelity in marriage. I think that it is important to point out that a serial cheater is definitely not the same as a person who has an affair or two over a lifetime.
In the case of serial cheaters, the quality of his/her marriage has nothing to do with the motivation to cheat. It is a personality flaw, that often has little to do with what is happening within the marriage. With serial cheaters, there is a compulsive nature to the cheating, which may or may not be present in other kinds of cheating.
I agree with your post Phoenix. I would like to add that all serial cheaters - began with a 1st time. Therefore, anyone who has committed adultery; has the potential to become a serial cheater.
It would be interesting to know how many fit the criteria of the serial cheater; but have only committed one or two affairs. Lately, there have been a number of threads on A2K concerning infidelity in marriage. I think that it is important to point out that a serial cheater is definitely not the same as a person who has an affair or two over a lifetime. In the case of serial cheaters, the quality of his/her marriage has nothing to do with the motivation to cheat. It is a personality flaw, that often has little to do with what is happening within the marriage. With serial cheaters, there is a compulsive nature to the cheating, which may or may not be present in other kinds of cheating. You hit the nail on the head.
Well obviously you would. It is in your best interests. I would if I was in your position. Bob Dylan said it swears.
Bit sad really Queenie. Keeping the opposition at bay using assertions.
Saves effort I suppose. Death to anybody who I have withdrawn my approval from eh? A Queen of China was like that. Mrs Thatcher too.
Bugger off you silly moo. You would hate a world with nothing but henpecked husbands in it. What would be the point of dressing up to flaunt your finer points. You would be bored out of your mind. You love serial cheating as a concept. That's why you brought it up. @Phoenix32890, I met a serial cheater on a free dating site andy12345a.
He's been on there for 3 years. I didnt realize he might be married because he posted his photo up and put status as single. After 2 months of talking to me he told me he thought he was falling in love with me.
Then with all the charm and sweet talk he asked if he could come over. I guess I should have known when he called with his number blocked and used his job as a excuse he doesnt have time to date but by then I was hooked on the illusion he weaved of some dream relationship. After he got sex he cheated on me with other girls but told me he was only seeing me. In that year of hell he never invited me to his home, was secretive about where he worked and always called with phone number not showing. I finally stopped talking to him but I have been depressed and suffering from low self esteem because of what he did. I think men like him are selfish and always going to cheat no matter who they are with. I share a similar experience and thus completely understand.
One difference was I was 'the girlfriend'. We were together for over a year and in looking back I served as a supporting role in his 'image' of a good, stable, guy amongst his friends. I was the girl that got pizza and movies on the couch.I was the girl he hung with and didn't spend money on. The others got the special treatment, the nice dinners out at actual restaurants, the daily calls and texts. One in particular, who I will refer to as the Atlanta sl.t has been in his life for well over four years and continues to hold on in hopes that he will finally see her as the one. She has known about his girlfriends and still remains available waiting and contributing to his breakups.
She jumps when he calls and they continue to have endless phone sex. The ultimate insult was he paid for her to come to town and to Las Vegas for weekends of sex. Besides her there have at any one time been two or three others that he calls on, primarily for phone sex, once he has woowed them. I have left so many times and this last time it was the last straw, he left a message for the Atlanta sl.t on my phone.
I just wish I could maintain my anger. I start to feel sorry for him because he is very damaged. We have talked and he has shared a lot but there will never be trust and without trust there will not be a relationship. I am not a victim, I have made my choices, but it feels shitty being manipulated. And although one could make the case that the Atlanta sl.t has such a low self esteem you almost want to feel bad for her, she knows that she has contributed to destroying his relationships and she continues and will continue to be a wedge. As the other articles have stated, narcissistic men have no concept of the hurt and pain they inflict on others. He had the nerve to get mad at me for not being there for him after I found out about his trips with Atlanta sl.t.
It was if his action should not have contributed to my being angry. They are selfish and until they realized they have a problem and they take the first step in admitting they need help and desire to get better, they will continue to inflict pain on others. I have cried, screamed, yelled, begged and to no avail. He doesn't get it, nor do other narcissistic men. It is best we learn our lesson, that that knowledge with us and move on. @brokenopen, I know this is late in response, I just discovered this website. I dated a Narcissist for three years.
In that time I was told, after three months, I don't like affection ( I am a very affectionate person) and cannot be affectionate anymore. Like an idiot I stayed. I was questioned about why I was dressed up when we would go out and eventually realized he was judging himself against me. One time at a dinner where he received an award, I complimented him on his speech and he said ' yeah, but you looked better than I did'. Wow I told him I had never had a Man compare himself to me in how we were dressed or who looked better. Finally I broke it off and he begged me to come back and I gave in only to break it off again after he refused emotional or physical intimacy. I figured out later he was already involved with someone else.
I relate to the comment about not being invited to his home. I had spent endless days and weekends at his house while we dated and then when we got back together and I wasn't invited there he said 'its just easier' I recognize now how stupid I was. The last straw was he just asked me back again in May I told him I was suspicious and he said we would take it slow. I found out afer a few weeks he was sleeping with someone else almost the entire time and had had her at his house and introduced her to his children.
I told him never to call me or email me again. Classic narcissist. I am trying to heal from this.
Please listen to your gut when something doesn't seem right for you. It is easier to get out sooner than later. What is that Maya Angelou saying ' people will show you who they are. You just have to believe them. I was involved with this kind of man. On and off for almost 5 years. I have realized later that he was on multiple dating sites and was chatting and meeting multiple people, when i was asking what was all that about he was saying: 'we are just friends'.
So here you you go: all these years he was sleeping with me and having endless affairs with other people. Well I guess I was naive believing that if I could stay longer he may love me and stop all that dirty stuff on the side. I was terribly traumatized, I lost weight, I could not function, I was d depressed and I was in terrible pain. It was the most terrible relationship I have ever been and it was only my fault that I could not get out earlier. I feel truly sorry for ll those ladies looking to meet some one special online.
He probably is conning multiple women now, all at once, he is very charming, attractive, strong alpha-type male, the type women get attracted to right away it is only they don't know how much disaster this man is. Needless to say he was divorced twice, 5 kids by 2 diff. Women, endless and multiple affairs etc. He cannot be alone, constantly searching, constantly wondering. @brokenopen, I completely empathise with you. I have been involved with a serial cheater, who is very narcissistic.I have only just gotten to realise this, and see through the wool he pulled over my eyes.He told me he was single, and that he shared a flat with a little 'flatmate' whom he has known for 20 years, and who helped him when his marriage (one of 2) ended. It later came to light, that he was her partner (most would not be so naive to be fooled by this!).
He started supplying me with clothes and scent, which I later discovered were her rejects. He even gave me a bagful of knickers, which were tatty and worn, thinking I would be so grateful! These were also hers.
The guy was arrogant as hell, and his seductive charm had me completely captured, until I made myself wake up. I wondered why he could never spend New Year with me, or even one Christmas evening, or one birthday. This is what in the end made me determine to get rid of him. I could not stand being the spare part, tossed aside for the faithful partner anymore. It was the utter humiliation, not to receive one text or one greeting, and knowing he was spending the most important days of the year with her.
Ladies, and gentlemen, please, please, do not settle for such a demeaning relationship. Have self respect and get out there and find someone who will not cheat and lie on you. I am a serial cheater. I do it not for lack of emotional connection in my current relationship or because I suffer from low self esteem. I do however relate to the conquest aspects of it all. Being a female I have found that it helps the scales to tip in my favor but still appriciate the challenge of a good pursuit.
Being able to manipulate a situation to bring someone to the point of willingness to leave with you and have sex with knowing very little of who you are is an indescribable feeling. Now, I'm not naieve to think that there aren't very real risks involved with all of this. I have been doing this for almost 20 years now. But some of those risks are what drive someone like me to continue. Being able to press through the walls society has put up and push boundaries not always thought socially acceptable. Its a feeling that I have never been able to find any where else, not even jumping out of planes!
Why Infidelity Happens The term cheating is one that elicits cringes of fear, gasps of horror. What comes to mind when you hear it? Most likely you imagine that a partner in a committed relationship had sexual intercourse with someone outside of their relationship.
But cheating can look like many things to many people. To some it may indeed refer to sexual intercourse only. To others it could be anything from an emotional attachment to another, fantasies of other partners, a kiss. Rather than use the term cheating here, something that makes me think more of copying someone else’s answers on a test and less about who you share your body or heart with and when, I am going to use the term infidelity. I define infidelity as any action that violates an implicit or explicit agreement between two people, thereby undermining the relationship. The action may be physical or emotional in nature.
Dishonesty is often but certainly not always part of an infidelity. As a relationship and sex therapist, infidelity is not a new or foreign topic to me.
It is in fact one of the most common causes of couples seeking counseling; Infidelity; whether considered, presumed, or committed. To most couples, infidelity signifies a crisis, and they come in flooded with emotion and fairly deregulated. The infidelity sits in the room like another person or an object that was propelled into the scene like a bomb, ravaging lives.
Life becomes polarized into before’s and after’s. Some can repair the damage done, turn an infidelity into an opportunity for growth and reconnection. And some can’t, the loss of trust being irreparable for one, the continued anger and blame intolerable for the other. My work is to help couples determine which they will be from a place of awareness and intention.
I tend to be pretty proactive and pre-emptive in my work. I am a sex therapist in part to help people prevent such betrayals from taking place in the first place. So for the purpose of this piece, I am going to take a bit of time to talk about what I believe leads to infidelity and then later talk briefly about damage repair after the fact and what I see in my work when sitting with couples going through this often torturous time. But first a disclaimer: I am an LPC, a licensed counselor, with a private practice in Portland, Oregon. Portland is a very sex-positive city with a visible and strong female presence. The majority of my clients are women ages twenty through forty, and most of them have done a lot of thinking and talking about their sexuality before coming to see me. So I’m working with a pretty savvy group here.
Among this group, there is a fairly equal mix of those for whom a committed and monogamous long-term relationship is a goal, and those for whom it is not. More and more individuals and couples here are trying out open relationships because the concept of sexual fidelity doesn’t jive with their world view. Some of the couples I work with who sought counseling due to an infidelity did so because they were trying to maintain a monogamous relationship based on their partner’s needs (or ultimatums) to do so but couldn’t. Certainly though, it is just as common for monogamy to have been a clearly stated (and not only assumed) mutually agreed upon desire and choice.
So what leads to affairs? Here is what I see, reasons that are either emotional, physical, or practical.
Emotional Probably the most commonly cited cause of infidelity is a sense of emotional disconnection from a partner. The person committing the infidelity will often describe having felt unappreciated, lonely, and sad. These emotions can often lead to the secondary feelings of anger and resentment. Emotional roots can lead to affairs both emotional and physical in nature. An emotional affair may start off looking like a friendship, but over time the level of intimacy increases and more personal information, especially that relating to dissatisfaction and unhappiness in their primary relationship, can become an integral part of the dynamic. The “friend” begins to take on the role as the partner, becoming a substitute in thoughts, plans, and fantasies. Physical In some cases a partner who has engaged in an infidelity will cite sexual dissatisfaction as being the reason they strayed.
In these cases sex may be not as often as they would like or as fulfilling as they would like; either because they are not receiving pleasure or reaching climax, or because it lacks a certain chemistry or passion. In the latter, people are often comparing their present-day sex to their just-starting-out sex, when sex felt more liberated, wild and exciting, and they can misconstrue “honeymoon-phase” sex as sexual chemistry. Because they miss the high of sex with a new partner and have not put effort into redefining how sex can still play a fun and satisfying part in their current relationship, they seek it elsewhere.
Seeking sex outside of the relationship can also be compared to seeking alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling; virtually any substance or behavior that provides a “quick fix,” a distraction from everyday life, something that makes you feel anticipation, intoxication, even fear of being caught doing something “bad”. It can also be difficult for some people who have sex with someone they have deep intimacy and connection with. The idea of “dirty” or playful sex with the same person you share so much of your life with can be a hard concept to reconcile.
For some, built into their belief system of “hot” sex is the idea that the person you are having sex with doesn’t truly know you nor do you know them, allowing a certain freedom and separation from your real life. Practical One thing I have observed in my practice is that there has been a shift in thinking, especially for younger generations, about the practicality and benefits of monogamy. More and more people are choosing lifestyles and relationships that are non-monogamous. But there is not yet a road map for how to have successful open relationships.
For instance, the primary factors that delineate an open relationship from an infidelity are mutual agreement and honesty. Open relationships tend to be defined by boundaries and rules, and the violation of such can result in deep feelings of hurt and betrayal. Unfortunately, many couples who ideologically believe in polyamory make a lot of mistakes in its application. Here are six things I believe everyone can do in order to minimize the risk of infidelity: Do The Work It Takes To Know Yourself As A Sexual Person. Read books, take a workshop, talk to a counselor. Study your sexuality as you would any other subject you were trying to master.
Increase your own awareness about what you like and don’t like; what you fantasize about; how you like to be touched and where; what you would like to try. Communicate To Your Partner Who You Are Sexually. Don’t assume that they know! Have an honest conversation at a time when you both feel relaxed and close. If a tool would facilitate the conversation or if you need some structure around it, take a questionnaire together and compare answers. Ask Questions And Listen To Who They Are As A Sexual Person.
Don’t assume that you know! Unless you have asked them and they feel safe in answering, you probably don’t know all of it. Keep in mind, it may be difficult for your partner to share their sexual desires and fantasies with you if they are not used to talking about sex or if they are fearful that their answers will hurt or offend you. Make sure that when you do ask, you are ready for whatever the answers may be. Do your best to be encouraging and supportive. Keep An Open Mind And Heart.
Be Willing To Try New Things Together. Try not to judge! In the realm of sexuality, almost anything goes (I say “almost” because the one caveat is that “anything” must be consensual). People’s sexual desires and expressions are hugely varied, and you should avoid making assumptions about what they mean as it is unique to each individual. Many people fantasize about things they are actually not interested in trying in real life or are only willing to try within the safety of their relationship. Instead Of Distracting Yourself And Avoiding The Problem, Try To Remain Present And Engaged. Affairs are distractions, and people distract themselves when they are bored or unhappy.
An affair is a “quick fix” with a long-term consequence, even if not discovered. Do due diligence in your personal work.
You owe it to yourself and to your partner. Be Honest: Honest With Yourself And Honest With Your Partner. Honesty early on (before an affair) about your concerns can create an opening for a new level of intimacy.
It can be hard to talk about the fact that you are unhappy with the sex in your relationship or that you are finding yourself attracted to another person. Too many couples avoid the topic of sex, especially when it has been a long period of time since partners have had sex because the subject feels too tense and overwhelming. Honesty after an affair will demonstrate accountability and remorse. Many partners who “discover” an affair say that the discovery and the deception were the worst part.
So what happens when an infidelity has taken place? The bottom line is that some couples are able to make it through an affair and some aren’t. Those who do make it through tend to possess two qualities: a genuine commitment to the relationship and a willingness to show remorse and accountability on the part of the person who has acted outside of the implicit and explicit relationship agreements. Also necessary is a willingness to forgive (this may take some time) by the person who feels betrayed. For the person who had the affair, a first stance when faced with the discovery of the truth and the potential loss of their relationship may be defensiveness or blame, masking their true feelings of guilt, shame, and fear. This partner MUST acknowledge that it was their choice and their choice alone to have an affair, and that nothing, including a lack of sex or disconnection from their partner, justifies their betrayal. This partner can expect to be in for some rough times ahead.
A betrayed partner will most likely want details; many details, ALL details, and be terrified of new information being discovered, leaving them in a locked place of terror, anger, and hurt. I believe that it is best to honor their request for information as it is the first step to rebuilding trust. They will also tend to question all aspects of what they believed to be true for the relationship, looking back over time with a view now clouded by the idea that what they believed to be truth in one area of their relationship was not truth, and so surely there are other areas in which similarly they were living a lie. Perhaps that even the whole relationship and who their partner presented themselves as being is a lie. A couples counselor will be helpful in navigating these very difficult conversations. Both partners can also benefit from individual therapy to have a space that they can share their feelings without filter. Books such as After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by, can also help couples navigate this trespass and gain comfort from hearing the stories of those who have been through a similar ordeal, as well as knowledge about what their partner may be feeling.
Ultimately, it is rarely the act of sex outside of a relationship that makes or breaks a couple’s ability to survive an infidelity. It is the meaning we attach to the act and the way we proceed with the information once it has been made known. Alyssa Siegel is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland, Oregon. She earned her MS in Counseling and her BA in Psychology and is a member of The Oregon Board of Licensed Professional Counselors, The American Counseling Association, The National Board of Certified Counselors, The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, and The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. She works with individuals and couples and specializes in relationships, sexuality, and women's identity development.
Causes Of Serial Marriages
Alyssa is a contributing author to the book 'Your Brain On Sex, How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life'. For more information please visit PortlandSexandRelationshipTherapy.com. Alyssa Siegel is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland, Oregon. She earned her MS in Counseling and her BA in Psychology and is a member of The Oregon Board of Licensed Professional Counselors, The American Counseling Association, The National Board of Certified Counselors, The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, and The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. She works with individuals and couples and specializes in relationships, sexuality, and women's identity development. Alyssa is a contributing author to the book 'Your Brain On Sex, How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life'.
For more information please visit PortlandSexandRelationshipTherapy.com.